Hey NICU mom,

Most of my days in the beginning of motherhood were spent just like this. Hidden behind screens in the NICU, holding babies and pumping. I commuted to the medical center almost an hour each way and I lived on minimum sleep, peanut butter crackers and doctor pepper. How else do you think I lost the baby weight so quick? Lol! I eat much better these days but there is still a lot of pumping and holding, except 

in the comfort of my own home. Between the feeding tube and monitor I still get some of the sounds of the nicu we are pretty numb to them now. But eventually we will leave all the beeping behind like we did the oxygen support, blood gasses, desats, Sunday night labs, isolettes, phototherapy, plastic cribs and all the other things that come with access to life behind the closed doors of the "NICU parent entrance". I've seen some scary things, things I would wish on no mother. And I've met some amazing parents, nurses, doctors and the strongest little people I will ever know. The nicu definitely changed my perspective not just on parenting but on life,

I remember watching the newcomers, and thinking "wow that was me" when they'd come in for the first time.  Oh the things I wish I could tell me now. 

"Hey new NICU mom, welcome to our world,
I see you over there crying in your wheel chair, still in and out of consciousness on your pain meds. Don't worry, they wont tell you anything crucial that you may forget unless dad is there to take notes. You're scared, confused and sad over the loss over the romanticized idea of your babies first hours of life and a lot of times your birth experience too. Today is a hard day, but I promise you it gets easier, it gets better. And remember, it's a happy day too because despite the wires, tubes an equipment today is your babies birthday!  

If you're lucky over the next couple of days you'll meet a few nurses and fall for them. They'll become your primaries and during your families time in the NICU they will become some of the people you're closest to. And you will be forever thankful to them for loving your baby and for being there for your fragile little one during the times when you physically could not be. You'll get to know the neonatologists and various other hospital staff members, some outside of the nicu for example the people at the security desk, gift shop and vallet. You will find there is a sense of comradery amongst NICU parents, even the ones you don't speak a word to. And you will silently cheer for their babies when you over hear news of their victories. You will obsess over things, and they will be constantly changing, bilirubin levels, residuals, room air, IV sites, picc line placement, various equipment settings, getting that isolette down to 28, and many other things unique to your babies stay in the NICU. And at some point you realize you've learned loads of fancy medical speak. You'll grow accustomed to this life while you need to live it because your heart is in this hospital. You will celebrate the victories and cry over the set backs. But remember the set backs won't last forever. It may feel like this will never end. But it does and it will. I promise, you will all get out of here! 

When you ready that magic day and you sign the discharge papers they'll tell you all kinds of things to expect at home, who to follow up with, how feeds should be handled and assure you're trained on any special equipment. But here's what they don't tell you. 

You come out stronger. On so many levels. Most parents dread shots day but by that point chances are it won't be the worst thing you've seen and you'll take them like a champ. 

You'll come out with an appreciation for things you never would've imagined like the simplicity of not weighing a diaper after it's changed, pjs with zippers on them and life after the yellow gowns.
You'll cherish things. And they'll be things other moms will cherish too but yours will be different. There's a chance it may be hours, days even weeks before you hold your baby. And when you finally do after seeing them struggle them reaching that point of stability is true magic.

And the best thing of all that won't written in the discharge papers is the feeling that you'll get when you walk in your front door.

Hey NICU mom, it's hard. It gets better. And the prize is well worth the wait! And NICU mom, remember, you are not alone"

Until next time, 

Momma D 

XOXO