Midnight is honest hour

It's that time of the week again, the night before my appointment. I lay in bed, sleepless and wonder what the next day will bring. Good news? Bad news? Babies? An extended hospital stay? There really are so many possibilities at this point.

I've said before bed rest can take you to a dark place. I must confess, these last several weeks have taken a toll on me. I'm consumed by fear each day as I pray I can hold out a little longer and give my boys a greater chance at life. I research their odds with each passing week, then I subtract John's delay and beg them to just stay put for a few more days to get to the next check point. I don't think there's any worse feeling than feeling like you are failing your children. Though John continues to grow steady despite his fall back from May to June giving us hope we can hold out longer, my cervix continues to shrink, inching us closer and closer to labor with every lost fraction of an inch. I wish I could give them more of my time, I wish my body wasn't failing us with both my cervix and J's less than awesome placenta. "Just get to 30 and every week from there is bonus points" that's what they keep telling me. 30, thats the end of August!? My November baby became, October babieS, became lets hope for September! How did that happen?

As I try to mentally prepare for the next phase in our journey I remember this "Let your faith be bigger than your fear". Obviously there are day's where I am less than skilled at this, tonight perhaps on that list. But these little guys dancing in my belly as I type give me hope, my miracles have fought so hard to make it this far just as we fought so hard to get them here. Most days I plaster on a smile, and an optimistic attitude and reassure those around me that we've got this. And that is true, we really have "got this" and when I say we I don't just mean Taylor the boys and I, no I mean us, Dr. Thompson, Dr. Adam, the nicu team that we've yet to meet who will guide us and the boys through their first precious weeks of life, our friends, our families and our supporters WE'VE got this. They say it takes a village to raise a child, these boys definitely prove that true and we've got a great "village".

So in the morning I will wake up, get dressed, grab my phone charger (just in case), ride with hubby downtown and march into the doctors office and cross my fingers I leave there going home for another week.

Who knows maybe we'll be the "my doctor said I wouldn't make it past ___ and I had to be induced" story you hear all so often. A momma can dream right?

And I'm done. Poured my heart out. I feel better, maybe now I'll sleep.

Until next time,
Momma D
XOXO